A Christian marriage is based on deep appreciation and respect for Christ and humbly submitting to each other (Ephesians 5:18-33).
 
Marriage is not for status or a sense of security. It is also not for fulfilling our needs, like consumers looking for products to satisfy them.
 
Instead, Christian couples should submit to each other, each committing to serve the other. Wives should learn to grant leadership to their husbands, while husbands should learn to love their wives as they love their own bodies. Each side acts appropriately, even if the other side doesn’t reciprocate.
 
Submitting and serving do not equate to giving in. Look at Christ. He loves us and served us to the point of death, but He confronts us with the truth to help us grow and be holy.
 
We shouldn’t be self-centered because we know we are sinners saved by Christ. We shouldn’t be needy for others’ affirmation since we know the Almighty God loves us.
 
Also, note that marriage is not the ultimate relationship, and will not fill the deepest void in our hearts. Only Christ can. Don’t think that (a) marrying the right person will guarantee a perfect life, (b) having a wonderful family will be nirvana, or (c) marrying the right person will make us somebody. No one can replace God in our life. Putting someone in the place of God will totally destroy our relationship with the person.
 
Furthermore, don’t worry excessively about not finding the right person. There is no ideal mate. Even if you think you have found a perfect match, that person will change and will be influenced by others. So don’t be too cautious.
 
To conclude, Christ should be our ultimate spouse, who loves us and never lets us down. Let Him be the center of our life, so that we may love and serve our earthly spouses.
 
Summarized from a Tim Keller sermon:
http://www.gospelinlife.com/free-sermon-resource
https://gospelinlife.com/downloads/hope-for-the-family-6025/
 

 
家的希望
 
基督徒婚姻的基础建立在对基督深切的感激和尊重,以及彼此谦卑顺服（以弗所书5：18-33）。
 
婚姻不是为了地位或安全感，也不是像消费者寻找满意的产品。
 
相反的，基督徒夫妻应当彼此顺服，彼此承诺服事对方。妻子要学习让丈夫作头，而丈夫则要学习爱妻子如同爱自己的身体。每人当尽自己的本分,尽管对方也许没有相应的回应。
 
顺服和服事对方并不等于屈服。请看基督：祂爱我们，为我们舍己。但祂以真理来直面教导我们，帮助我们成长并成为圣洁。
 
因为知道自己是基督所拯救的罪人,不应再以自我为中心，。我们也不应需要别人的肯定，因为我们知道全能的上帝爱我们。
 
另外，婚姻不是最终的关系，也不会填补我们内心深处的虚空。只有基督才可以。不要以为（a）与合适的人结婚会带来完美的一生，（b）拥有一个美好的家庭就是极乐世界，或者（c）与合适的人结婚会使自己成为重要人物。没有人可以取代神在我们生命中的地位。让对方扮演上帝的角色会完全破坏您们之间的关系。
 
再进一步，不必太担心找不到合适的人。没有人是绝对理想的。即使您以为找到了完美的伴侣，那人也会改变,也会受周围的人影响。因此不用太过谨慎。
 
总而言之，我们最终的配偶应是基督，祂爱我们,永远不会让我们失望。让基督为生命的中心，然后爱并且服事地上的配偶。

A healthy marriage needs work and regular attention to cultivate it.
 
Marriage should make your spouse holy through your sacrifice (Ephesians 5). Husbands and wives take on different roles. The husband humbly leads to build up his wife, while the wife plays a helper role to build up her husband. Both submit to help the other.
 
To help, you need to understand your spouse deeply. For example, one may want to spend time together, when the other wants to have some solitary meditation. One may vent about a boss being unreasonable and seek emotional support, while the other tries to solve the problem without empathizing.
 
When there are problems, focus on the problems, not the person. Step off the battlefield and objectively look at the complications. If it is a feeling issue, focus on addressing emotions more than facts.
 
If it’s your problem, don’t make excuses. Admit it. Offer to change after things have calmed down.
 
If it’s your spouse’s problem, forgive first because Christ has forgiven our mistakes. Then critique yourself and admit mistakes no matter how small they are. After that, tell the truth lovingly so your spouse can grow. Develop an environment secure for criticism.
 
Sex is a blessing between couples. Don’t deprive the other side of it (Proverbs 5:15-20, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). What happens in bed can affect other parts of the relationship. Sex is not a place to perform, but to love. Unlike the woman, the man is ready for sex quickly, not requiring much context. That may be why pornography can be more seductive to men. So, a husband needs to learn to be slow, while a wife needs to learn to be more responsive.
 
Do some spiritual things together regularly, such as praying before sleep. Emotion can start the engine, but marriage should have a deep unity, maintained by will and strengthened by habit. A healthy marriage needs to be cultivated.
 
May the grace of Christ be the impetus of our love. In light of what He has done for us, serve your spouse and help your spouse be a more wonderful person.
 
Summarized from ​a Tim Keller’s sermon:
http://www.gospelinlife.com/free-sermon-resource
 

​
培养健康的婚姻
 
健康的婚姻需要培养，必须花工夫，经常地关注它。
 
通过牺牲，婚姻应使您的配偶变得圣洁（以弗所书5）。丈夫和妻子扮演不同的角色。丈夫谦卑地带领他的妻子，以此来建立她。而妻子扮演帮助者的角色，以此来建立她的丈夫。双方都彼此顺服，为要帮助对方。
 
为此,尝试深入了解您的配偶。例如有些人喜欢花时间在一起，而有些人宁可单独地冥想。又譬如有些人想发泄对无理老板的愤概，寻求感情上的支持，而有些人则试图解决问题而缺乏同理心。
 
当问题出现时，将注意力集中于问题而不是对方。跳出战场，客观地分析问题的方方面面。如果是情感问题，专注于处理情绪上的困难而非事实分析。
 
如果是您的问题，请不要找借口，勇敢地承认自己的错误吧。事情平静下来后，提出相应的改进建议。
 
如果是您配偶的问题，请首先原谅对方，因为基督原谅了我们的错误。然后分析自己，如果有错误，无论大小,都要承认。之后，用爱道出原本的事实，帮助配偶的成长。建造一个安全和建设性的批评环境。
 
性是夫妻之间的祝福。不要剥夺另一方（箴言5：15-20，哥林多前书7：3-5）。卧房发生的事可能会影响其它方面的关系。性是爱的地方，而非表演之处。男人与女人不同，他可以很快预备，不需特殊景况便能做爱。这可能就是为什么男人比较容易受到色情的引诱。所以，丈夫需要学会放慢一些，而妻子则需要学会反应快一点。
 
经常共同做些属灵的事,譬如睡觉前一起祈祷。
 
情感可以是启动关系发展的引擎。但是，婚姻应该有一种深厚的联合，用意志维持并由习惯加强。健康的婚姻需要培养。
 
愿基督的恩典成为爱的动力。因为祂为我们所做的一切，我们应该服事配偶，并帮助配偶成为一个更加美好的人。

The foundation of a healthy marriage is a servant heart, with each spouse submitting to the other. A servant heart takes the mind off yourself, can receive criticism without being crushed, gives suggestions without crushing, and forgives without residual anger.
 
How can we have a servant heart? First, we remember that we were nothing. Now, we are children of God entirely because of Christ, not because of our performances, accomplishments, or love. Christ sacrificed dearly for us and our spouses. So, at least out of reverence for Christ, we should serve our spouses with an unselfish heart gifted us by the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:21).
 
Marriage is a permanent, exclusive, public, and legal commitment to share your entire life together. This commitment should override your feelings and emotions. Your commitment, investment in the relationship, and love toward your spouse strengthen each other. Where you invest your time and effort—where your treasure is—is where your heart will be.
 
Marriage should be prioritized above all other relationships. It is where a man leaves his parents and unites to his wife (Ephesians 5:32-33, Genesis 2:24). Most other societies emphasize children and parents, but in Christianity, marriage is the vortex of your life. The relationship with your spouse must come before that of your parents, children, friends, and career (Ephesians 5:28).
 
Differences in upbringing, previous family patterns, and previous ways of living can lead to misunderstandings and severe conflicts within a marriage. You need to understand your spouse deeply. Sit down, discuss the differences, and change. Let marriage be a fresh start; it has the power to change the course of your life, tear you down, and build you up.
 
Marriage isn’t a human invention, and its primary function isn’t for your happiness. Marriage was created by God to make you holy and blameless (Ephesians 5:25-27). It is the most intense relationship because you can’t hide from your spouse. You are forced to see your mistakes, selfishness, and prejudices; God makes you confront them through marriage.
 
Love is something only a Holy-Spirit-created unselfishness can maintain. So go to God in your marriage and rely on Him.
 
Summarized from a Tim Keller’s sermon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvAbHOfLIyY



 
婚姻的承诺和优先次序
 
健康婚姻的基础是两人彼此顺服,对配偶有颗服侍的心。服侍的心能把注意力从自己身上移开，能聆听对方批评而不灰心丧气，能提出建议而不压垮对方，能宽恕对方而不留怨愤.
 
如何拥有一颗服侍的心呢？首先，应当知道自己什么都不是。今天我们成为上帝的儿女完全是因为基督，而非自己的表现、成就或爱心。基督为我们及配偶付出了沉重的代价。因此，至少是出于敬重基督，当用圣灵赐予我们的无私之心服侍配偶（以弗所书 5:21）。
 
婚姻是永久的、排外的、公开的、合法的承诺，为要共同分享全部的生命。这种承诺应超越你的感觉和情绪。您的承诺、您对这关系的投入，付出的行动，以及对彼此的感情三者相互影响加强。 您将时间和精力投入到哪里，您的财富在哪里，您的心就在哪里。
 
婚姻应该优先于所有其它关系。人离开父母与妻子在婚姻里连合（以弗所书5：32-33，创世记2：24）。大多数其它社会都强调亲子关系，但在基督教中婚姻是你生活的中心。配偶之间的关系必须优先于父母、子女、朋友和事业的关系（以弗所书 5:28）。
 
个人的成长、原生家庭模式和婚前生活方式的差异，都可能导致婚姻中的误解和严重冲突。你需要深入了解你的配偶，坐下来讨论差异，然后采取改变的措施。让婚姻成为一个全新的开始; 它有能力改变你生命的轨迹，拆毁旧的你，建立新的你.
 
婚姻不是人类的发明，它的主要目的不是让您快乐。婚姻是上帝的发明，为要使您成为圣洁，无可指责（以弗所书 5:25-27）。这是最紧密的关系，因为您无法躲避自己的配偶。您不得不看见自己的错误、自私和偏见，上帝让您在婚姻中来面对它们。
 
只有圣灵里面带来的无私舍己才能维持爱。所以，在您的婚姻中，就近上帝，依靠祂。